Some experiences are just too painful to share. If mentioned, they might scar the individuals involved. And some moments—when replayed—bring back feelings of resentment and bitterness. If unforgiveness is the kerosene that fuels the fire of resentment, then forgiveness is the water that cools the flames, but after any fire, it's evident that the damage was done.
I recall serving at church when Lysa TerKeurst preached her sermon, “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget.” Her testimony reminded me of a song I wrote in 2015 called My Forgiveness. Watching her speak brought back the very reason I wrote the song: as I watched my sister go through a difficult divorce and season, I found myself asking again—what is forgiveness?
The American Psychological Association describes forgiveness as "willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed you in some way." That word willfully got my attention because forgiveness takes intentionality. In other words, I must deliberately choose to let go of feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment toward the person who wronged me. Let's be honest—that's hard. So, does that mean I should accept what was done to me without getting retribution? The definition continues, “Forgiveness is not merely accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry. Rather, it involves a voluntary transformation of your feelings, attitudes, and behavior, so that you are no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or the like toward the person who wronged you.” And that, my friend, takes God. Oftentimes, we think we need to heal first and then forgive, but I believe healing comes when we forgive. It is a necessary step in our journey of healing and restoration.
Many of us know what God’s Word says:
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14–15).
Yet, why is it so hard to forgive? Even at church, I know individuals who won’t speak to each other because of past hurts. Or family members who refuse to reconcile because of old wounds. And yet, God’s Word is clear: forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Let’s face it—it’s easier said than done. When someone has hurt us, we often cope by closing the door to the relationship. We may hold back love and affection until we see an apology or remorse. But Scripture didn’t say forgive when they apologize or when they realize they were wrong. This is why forgiveness is so hard—because even when it hurts, even when you’re reliving the trauma, we are called to forgive.
For years, I was hurt when my dad left us. I remembered having very little to do with him, and that pleased me because I wanted to hurt him back for the pain he caused. Then came the dreaded day when he told us he had stage 4 brain cancer, and I regretted every day I had spent being angry with him when I could have spent that time with him. It was only when I forgave him that I was able to heal and move on and enjoy his company again—but sadly, that time was short-lived.
I also watched my sister go through a terrible divorce. At a time when all her siblings were married and having kids, I saw her pain when she became a single mother. She wondered if what was done to her was God’s punishment. My heart broke for her, and I felt so much resentment that I knew I needed to forgive—not just for myself, but so I could be there for her and not feed her bitterness.
You see, forgiveness is really for the one who was hurt. While, yes, you are releasing the one who hurt you, forgiveness allows you to live again—to move forward. When we hold on to anger and bitterness, we remain trapped in a perpetual cycle of hurt and resentment, and such feelings prevent anyone from growing. So I ask—whom are you hurting when you harbor unforgiveness? No one but you. You live trapped, reliving the painful moment.
At every turn in life, we find ourselves needing to forgive someone—whether it's a family member, someone at church, someone at work, or even ourselves. The latter is a serious stumbling block for me. I find it easier to forgive others than to forgive myself. The opposite may be true for you, but self-forgiveness is also part of God’s equation of 70 times 7. Matthew 18:21–22 says:
"Then Peter came to Him and asked, 'Lord, how many times will my brother sin against me and I forgive him and let it go? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered him, 'I say to you, not up to seven times, but seventy times seven.'"
While Scripture doesn’t explicitly say “forgive yourself,” it is implied. We are made in the image of God, and reflect His nature and character—and that’s the highest honor. We’re called to love our neighbors as ourselves. That means we should love ourselves—not in a prideful way, but because we are image bearers. If we don’t forgive ourselves, how can we continue to love ourselves?
We all know the story of Joseph, a powerful example of forgiveness after betrayal. But what about Peter, who denied Christ three times? Imagine the weight of shame he carried, knowing what he had done to his Rabbi, and his Lord and Savior. Yet Peter didn’t stay in that place. (Luke 22:54–62) Had he wallowed in guilt, shame, and self-hatred, he wouldn’t have been able to become the rock on which the Church was built. He had to believe that the Holy Spirit was working through him. And that required forgiving himself. So many people remain trapped by self-loathing, guilt, shame, and regret. So I ask—how many of you are still trapped and missing out on what God has called you to do?
I once read a letter from an inmate who indulged in homosexual behavior as a teen and loathed himself so much that he believed he didn’t deserve a good life. So many of us feel the same way. We believe that because we can’t forgive ourselves, God can’t either. Even simple mistakes weigh heavily. But the key to healing is forgiving—and that includes forgiving yourself.
Forgiving yourself and others is a process. It takes time. Sometimes, it’s immediate; other times, it’s not. But the important thing is to begin. Here’s a simple framework that has helped me—and I believe it can help you, too— S.T.A.R.
- S – Speak it aloud
Name the person and say out loud, “I forgive you.” There is power in your words. Jesus modeled this when He said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).
- T – Talk it out
Process your feelings with someone who has your best interest at heart. Don’t carry the burden alone—God often uses people to help us heal.
- A – Accept what happened
You can’t change the past, but you can choose to relinquish your hold on it and move forward in freedom.
- R – Remember the Word of God
Be not only a hearer of the Word but a doer (James 1:22). “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).
I hope you take the time to listen to the song "My Forgiveness". My prayer is that God will show you areas in your life where forgiveness is needed and that He will help you to forgive—so that you can move forward and accomplish all He has called and purposed for you to do.
My Forgiveness is Available now on all major platforms
Written by: Cheryl Carty-Strachan
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